Diners

I recently made a contribution to the staff newsletter here at camp. In an effort to educate some of the staff on Diner Etiquette, I came up with a few tips. It's not all-encompassing by any means. Any suggestions out there on other Diner Tips?

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Have you ever been to Santa Cruz Diner? If so, were you confused at how you were treated, but amazed at the rotating tray of desserts all the same? Were you simply looking for a late night bite and hoping to find the same service that you would get at Applebee’s? (And shame on you for going to Applebee’s, anyway.)
Diners, if you didn’t know, have their own culture. I’m not exactly what you would (or should) call “cultured,” but I know a thing or two about diners. So if you ever wanted some inside information on the Diner scene then read on. (Yes, you can translate all of this to ANY diner. Feel special.)

Tip 1: Employees. Every employee will have some oddity. They might clearly be wearing a beehive wig, they might talk in such a fashion so as to be barely understood, they might be 90 years old and hauling an oxygen tank around (I’ve personally experienced that one), their demeanor doesn’t hide that they aren’t happy you are there, et cetera, et cetera. Smile and be polite anyway.
Tip 2: Cruddy service. They won’t treat you “special” or “like they appreciate your business.” They aren’t your mommy, and they’ll be darned if you sitting down to eat makes it their job to serve you. (Er…wait….) Regardless, they aren’t too excited for you to interrupt them in the middle of whatever they were doing. Deal with it. At least they are taking your order.
Tip 3: Coffee. If you drink coffee, order the coffee. It’s just the way it works. And they know when you’re lying. And they know the coffee sucks. Sorry.
Tip 4: Non-Coffee. If you don’t drink coffee, get something else to drink other than water. And don’t get a soda. That’s for losers and lesser wimps when you are at a diner. You looking for a soda? You should have gone to McDonald’s or something. Sorry.
Tip 5: Dessert. Don’t order a whole dinner, unless you are feeling adventurous or are primed for disappointment. You are there for your cruddy coffee (or some other non-coffee, non-soda beverage) and dessert. Most diners have homemade desserts when it comes to pie and cake, so get one. I guarantee that all diners have a display case with all their pies and cakes in it. Bonus points if it is the display case that spins around.
Tip 6: Timing. If you are there before 10:30 or 11:00 at night you should go home and come back later. Part of the diner experience is being there late at night when the crowd is “worth it” and the staff is mostly “lifers” and the food is most likely “sub-par.” Curiously, desserts are exempt from this rule (see Tip 5).
Tip 7: Jukebox. If they have one, put quarters in there. The music selection will be random. Deal with it and pick something that looks really really cheesy (Backstreet Boys, that Superman song from that one band, or something of that ilk) or really really country (preferably bands you haven’t heard of but sound country…Hillbilly Boys, Brooks & Dunn, Nitty Gritty Dirt Band, etc.). It is also acceptable to choose something everyone knows the words to. Try to get everyone in the diner to sing together.
Tip 8: People. If you aren’t in California, count the ratio of people in the smoking section versus the non-smoking section. Oh, and chances are, if you are sitting in the non-smoking section, you’re server probably still has a cigarette hanging out of his or her mouth as they serve you your food. Also, note the other people in the diner. Yeah, they are different than you, huh? They are all also probably cooler than you because they know a lot more about life. Remember that one before you giggle at the dude talking to himself while he sips his cruddy coffee and nibbles the strawberry shortcake. He could probably take you in a fight anyway. So could the woman with the wrinkly tattoo of a snake wrapped around a knife.
Tip 9: Atmosphere and Ambiance. Look for signs that talk about how smiles are free. Or that there is an extra fee charged to mean people. Or the word “whiners” with a circle and a cross through it. Special bonus if they have a section of wall with a bunch of post cards on it from all over the US that loyal customers actually mail to them. Super bonus points if any post cards are from outside the US.
Tip 10: Tipping. Tip well. These people have to deal with you and your obnoxious friends at 2 in the morning. And all you are ordering is coffee and dessert. Be generous. You might bring a smile to your server’s face.

So there you go. Obey these simple rules and look like a pro at any diner you ever attend. Some diners are way cool about random things, like bringing a deck of cards and hanging out. Others aren’t and kick you out for playing cards and claim “religious reasons” (experienced that one, too). All diners have their own flavor, so eat up, and eat often!